If I Fall Read online

  “It’s a gorgeous photo.” Ayden slips an arm around her waist and pulls her closer, kissing her head. “But only because you’re in it.”

  Lyric rolls her eyes. “Yeah, right. Maybe we should ask our fans. I’m sure a ton of them would step in and say that my sweet, shy boy makes that photo so beautiful.”

  “You’re delusional,” he says in a playful tone.

  “You know, sometimes I can be, but not with this.” She hooks her arms around the back of his neck, stands on her tiptoes, and presses her lips to his.

  I flee from the living room, knowing they won’t come up for air for a while. That’s the one downfall of sharing a place with them. They’re totally in love, and I’m so happy for them and everything, but with them making out all the time, things can get awkward. I thought after a year of watching their PDA it’d get easier to be around, but it hasn’t. It makes me think too much about the last time a guy showed me affection and how wrong, twisted, and ugly it made me feel inside. I used to tell myself that maybe the feeling was normal, but after being around Ayden and Lyric, Lila and Ethan, and every other loving couple I’ve crossed paths with, I realize it wasn’t.

  Nothing about it was normal.

  Nothing about me is normal.

  I’m all sorts of wrong.

  Wrong.

  Wrong.

  Wrong.

  Broken.

  Panic strangles me as I reach my room. I shut the door and fumble to lock it before slumping to the ground.

  “I’m so messed up.” I hug my knees to my chest. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

  “None of us do.” The girl appears in the middle of my room between the unmade bed and unpacked boxes. “But only some of us can be fixed.”

  “Go away,” I whisper. “You’re not real.”

  The girl stares at me, scrutinizing me, judging me for what I did.

  “Please,” I beg, curling myself into a ball so I can no longer see her.

  But I can feel her watching me, haunting me, reminding me that I have blood staining my hands.

  Chapter 6

  Sage

  “We rocked that performance,” I say as I head off stage, tucking my drumsticks into my back pocket. I’m dripping with sweat, and my hands and arms ache, yet I’m more content than I’ve been all week. I always feel pumped up after I perform, no matter how small or large the venue. Right now, we just finished playing a set at Lyric’s dad’s club, which brings in a pretty decently sized crowd. “We need to celebrate. Let’s go out to a club or something and get fucked up.”

  “Ayden and I can’t,” Lyric says as she wipes the sweat from her brow. “We’re picking up Sadie tonight and taking her out to dinner to celebrate.”

  My elation nosedives. Partying is the only thing I look forward to anymore. Going out, getting wasted and high until my mind is so far gone I can barely grasp all the shittiness going on in my personal life.

  I grab a bottle of water from a table backstage and twist off the cap. “Celebrate what?”

  Lyric hesitantly glances at Ayden. “Um …”

  “Sadie took her GED test today, so we wanted to take her out to dinner,” Ayden tells me, grabbing a can of soda from the beverage table.

  While I knew Sadie didn’t graduate high school, the GED comment throws me off since Ayden rarely divulges anything about his sister. I wish he would, though. Sadie fascinates me in a way I can’t explain. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t look at me like most women do, like they want to use me for a one-night stand, release their wild side. Because fucking is all I’m good for, or so I’ve been told.

  I take a long swig from the water bottle then lower it from my mouth and wipe my damp lips with my hand. “She took the test, today, huh? Man, I’ve heard that it takes, like, six hours or something. That has to be intense. She’s probably exhausted.”

  “She is.” Lyric gathers her long, blonde hair into a messy ponytail and twists an elastic around it. “She’s been studying like crazy and hardly takes any breaks. She seriously might be one of the most motivated people I’ve ever met.”

  “She really is.” Ayden pops the tab on the soda, checks the time on his watch, then turns toward Lyric. “We should probably get going. I told her we’d pick her up at about nine.”

  Nolan joins our circle with a drink in his hand and a cigarette tucked behind his ear. “What restaurant are you guys going to again? I might meet up with you a little bit later, if things don’t work out with Janey.”

  Lyric frowns at him. “I thought after she tried to sleep with the entire band, you were over the whole Janey thing.”

  “I was.” Nolan sighs, plucking the cigarette from behind his ear. “But I ran into her last night and she kept apologizing for what happened. One thing led to another …” He digs a lighter out of his pocket and shrugs. “What can I say? I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.”

  “That you are. But at least you don’t try to deny it.” She turns toward Ayden. “Did we decide if we were going to that fancy restaurant Lila told us about that probably serves food we can’t even pronounce”—she waggles her brows at him—“or that chill one my dad has a connection to that has really amazing food and cool entertainment?”

  “I worry about that one. They’ll probably be more people there, and you know how Sadie gets …” Ayden trails off, casting a worried glance at me and Nolan.

  I want to tell him to go ahead and finish, because I’m dying to know what he’s going to say, but Lyric talks first.

  “We could always just ask her where she wants to go,” she suggests.

  “Yeah, but sometimes she acts agreeable just to make everyone happy,” Ayden reminds her.

  The two of them go back and forth before finally deciding to ask Sadie where she wants to go. They tell Nolan they’ll text him when they know where they’re going for sure, and then they wave good-bye to me as they head toward the exit.

  Jealousy burns in my chest as Ayden slips his fingers through Lyric’s. Not because I’m in love with Lyric, although I once thought I was. But now I’m jealous of their relationship.

  There, I admit it. Me, Sage Davis, manwhore of all manwhores, envies Ayden and Lyric’s relationship. I want what they have, but my life right now … it’s so messy and ugly, and the thought of bringing someone into that doesn’t sit well with me.

  Neither does this stupid empty feeling I always seem to carry with me; always have carried with me ever since I was a kid and hid in my room when my mom and dad spent hours yelling at each other.

  Although, I didn’t feel empty when I was at the hospital this morning. I felt the opposite. I was so full of anger I thought I was going to explode, which is why I need to do something tonight, other than hang out by myself where all I do is think.

  My gaze sweeps the backstage area, filled with people I know will hang out and get high with me. Or, I could always go down to the dance floor or the bar and pick some random chick up who will distract me for the night. Add a little pot and booze into the mix, and I’ll be completely numbed from anything and everyone. All the shit going on in my life, it’d be nonexistent.

  I used to do that a lot, but lately, screwing around has lost its edge, and I end up lying in the bed alone afterward, thinking way too much about myself, my life, and why I can’t seem to find anything that makes me feel … well, something.

  “Hey, Sage!” A curvy redhead waves at me from the bottom of the stairway that leads to the dance floor. “You coming down here or what?”

  “Maybe.” I put on a fake smile, racking my brain for her name. Clara? Or is it Kathy? “I might be heading out, actually. I’m still deciding.”

  She sulks, crossing her arms over her chest and making her breasts nearly pop out of her tight top. “Oh, come on; you have to come hang out. I need some fun in my life.”

  I instantly frown. Fun. I’ve been told I’m fun so many times I’m starting to loathe that word.

  I tap my fingers against the side of my legs as I s
tart for the stairs, still unsure what her name is. At the last second, though, I veer right and push out the exit door.

  The cool night air feels fucking great on my overheated skin as I jog against the packed parking lot and toward where Lyric usually parks. I catch her and Ayden right before they’re about to climb in.

  “So, it’s cool if I go with you guys, right?” I ask, hunching over, a little breathless. Man, I need to cut back on the cigarettes.

  Lyric catches Ayden’s gaze from over the roof of the car then elevates her brows.

  He gives a shrug, resting his arms on top of the car. “You know we’re not going out and partying, right? We’re just going to grab a bite to eat. We might watch a movie or something, but that’s about it.”

  “That’s cool with me.” When the two of them trade another look, I add, “Look, if you don’t want me to go, then that’s fine. My ego can take it. But please stop giving each other those I’m-trying-to-communicate-with-you-through-my-mind looks. It’s fucking creepy.”

  “We’re just confused.” Lyric sticks the key into the car door. “You usually want to go out and …” She mulls over something. “Well, get laid.” She pulls open the car door but doesn’t get in. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure you can handle just chilling on a Friday night at a restaurant.”

  “I used to be like that,” I argue. “But I’ve decided to change, okay?”

  “Why?” She eyes me over suspiciously. “Usually, when someone decides to makeover their personality, it’s because something happened. And you have been acting a little strange lately.”

  I have been acting strange, and for a good reason. I’m not about to tell her why, though, mostly because I’m not ready to talk about it aloud yet.

  “I don’t think you’ve ever wanted to do something as simple as going to a restaurant on a Friday night before,” she continues. “But, if you want to go with us, then we’d totally love for you to come. I just want to stress what we’re doing so you won’t get all depressed when nothing exciting happens.”

  “Thanks for worrying about my mental state, but I promise I can handle just hanging out for the night.” I round the back of the car, heading toward the passenger side. “And I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”

  “I never said anything about your behavior,” Lyric points out.

  Ayden sighs that here-we-go-again sigh then pulls open the passenger door. “We should probably get going so Sadie isn’t just sitting around waiting for us.”

  I point a finger at Lyric as I reach in to scoot the passenger seat forward. “You were thinking it.”

  She wavers. “Okay, but you can’t blame me. You have done some pretty crazy stuff.”

  “Not lately,” I retort.

  “No, not lately,” she agrees.

  Silence settles between us as she waits for me to explain.

  Instead of replying, I climb into the backseat.

  The drive to their condo takes about fifteen minutes. On the way, Ayden and Lyric take it upon themselves to lay down the rules for me hanging out with them.

  If I need to get blazed out of my mind, do it before we leave the condo, because smoking pot in the car isn’t allowed.

  I have to promise not to get so shit-faced at the restaurant that I act like an ass.

  I have to promise to keep my hands off of Sadie.

  “Piece of cake,” I say as I hop out of the car.

  I can handle those rules. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Then my phone buzzes from my pocket, a message from my dad, and I’m forced to remember what I’m trying to escape for the night.

  Dad: I need u to stop by your mom’s place tomorrow and help me clear out her stuff so I can put the house on the market.

  I strangle the phone as I read the message. He’s such a cold-hearted asshole. She’s not even gone yet, and he’s ready to just toss out her belongings.

  Me: I have band practice tomorrow.

  Dad: Come after you’re done, then, unless u want me to just throw everything away.

  Asshole.

  He’s always been that way, even since I was a kid, especially to my mom. He was always putting her down and yelling at her. He really amped up his douchebaggery, though, after the divorce. So did my mom; doing everything she could to piss him off.

  I should be used to my dad’s dickhead ways. I thought I was, but this thing with my mom … He may not love her anymore, but I’m not okay with what he wants to do.

  Me: Fine.

  “Everything okay?” Lyric asks, bumping the car door shut with her hip.

  I stuff the phone into my back pocket and plaster on a fake smile. “Of course. I’m always okay.”

  “And you’re okay with the rules?” she asks as we hike across the grass toward their place. “We don’t mean to be douchebags or anything, but with Sadie going with us … Well, we want to make things as uncomplicated for her as possible.”

  “I promise I’ll abide by your rules, Lyric.” I hold up a couple of fingers. “Scout’s honor.”

  She rolls her eyes but laughs as she unlocks the front door of the condo.

  I find it a little weird that the door is locked when Sadie is home, considering the place is located in a fairly decent area of San Diego. Then again, after witnessing Sadie freak out when Nolan and I barged in on her earlier this week, I kind of understand. The girl has been through a lot, more than I can probably imagine.

  The moment I step foot inside, the scent of delicious baked goods floods my nostrils and all thoughts go right out the window. I glance at the kitchen where Sadie is busy putting bowls in the sink.

  “Holy crap, Sadie, did the baking fairy throw up in here while we were gone?” Lyric teases as she assesses the spilled batter and sugar on the counter.

  “I’m so sorry. I got a little bored and decided to bake.” Sadie has her head down as she scrubs the countertop with a paper towel. She hasn’t noticed that I’m here yet, and I note how much more relaxed she seems. “I’ll get it all cleaned up.”

  “Sadie, you’re fine.” Ayden slips off his hoodie and hangs it on the back of a chair. “Lyric was just messing with you.”

  “I know that.” Sadie sighs, tossing the paper towel into the trash. “I’m just a little on edge. With the test over, I can’t find anything to do to keep myself busy.” She grips the edge of the counter with her head ducked down. Strands of her long, wavy brown hair fall into her face, but she doesn’t bother brushing them back. “So, I baked.”

  “It smells delish.” Lyric wanders into the kitchen. “Please tell me they’re going to be done soon. I’m starving.”

  Sadie blows a strand of hair out of her face as she glances over at the oven timer. “They’ll be done in three minutes.” She pulls a face, still not noticing that I’m standing in the foyer. “I just hope they taste good … I’ve never baked them before.”

  “If they taste half as good as they smell, then I’m sure they’ll be great.” Lyric opens the fridge and grabs a can of soda. “And if not, Sage will eat them.” Lyric flashes me a grin. “He eats anything when he’s high, even batter on crackers.”

  “Hey, I did that one time,” I argue. “And don’t dis until you’ve tried it.”

  The sound of my voice startles Sadie, and her attention whips to me. Her eyes widen as she watches me wander over to the kitchen island and rest my arms on the counter.

  I offer her a smile while discreetly checking her out. The grey dress she’s wearing gives me a fan-fucking-tastic view of her legs.

  Ayden clears his throat, and I force my attention off Sadie and to Lyric.

  “Besides, I’m not high right now,” I say.

  “Are you staying sober tonight?” Ayden asks, sounding surprised.

  I snort a laugh. “No. I was just following the rules and waiting until I got here.” I pat my pocket. “I’m all ready to go.”

  “Not in the house,” Lyric warns. “Do it on the back porch.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I salute
her as I walk backward across the living room and toward the sliding glass door.

  “Make it quick, too.” Lyric threads her fingers with Ayden’s and pulls him toward the hallway. “We’re just going to take a quick shower, and then we’re heading out. We’ll be, like, fifteen minutes tops.”

  As the two of them disappear into the hallway, Sadie scrunches up her nose.

  “Not a fan of the love birds and their shower time, huh?” I joke, gripping the handle of the sliding glass door.

  Her body slightly jolts from the sound of my voice. “No, it’s okay that they do it … They just do it, like, a lot. And sometimes …” She chews on her bottom lip, absentmindedly sucking on it, something I’ve notice she does a lot.

  I clench my hands into fists as desire floods my body. It always does when she does that. I want to cross the room and suck her lip between my teeth, taste her, get her to open up to me.

  See? This is what happens when you don’t go out. You get way too riled up.

  I promised to keep my hands off of Sadie tonight. Although, I doubt she’d even let me touch her if I tried. Still, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about touching her. I have a couple of times over the last year. Okay, more than a couple of times, but I’m a guy, and I have eyes.

  With freckles dotting her nose and cheeks, stunningly big eyes, full lips, and legs that go on for miles, Sadie isn’t hot. She’s fucking gorgeous.

  Lyric abruptly lets out a loud giggle from the bathroom, pulling me away from my dirty thoughts. When the giggle is echoed by another, I start to understand why Sadie isn’t a fan of the love birds and their shower time.

  “Want to hang outside with me while they do their thing?” I ask her, sliding the door open.

  She starts to shake her head, but then Lyric lets out what sounds like a mixture of a laugh and a moan. She glances from me to the hallway, biting her nails, and for the briefest instant, I see she considers it.